I Am and the Case of Mistaken Identity
“I am that by which I know I Am”
In this piece we explore a fundamental way we create inner turbulence and how to free ourselves to experience deeper and lasting inner peace.
I’ve been doing “spiritual work” for all of my adult life — which includes practicing being aware of being aware and allowing all parts of me to be seen and accepted exactly as they are in this moment. These two essential practices facilitate the healing of the past thus enabling being able to live increasingly as Presence in the here and now. A balance of being human (self) and Divine (Self) — a much happier place to live from than the past!
On December 28, 2020 the first emergence of a profoundly simple, yet life-changing awareness occurred as I was coming down from a journey on 5MEO-DMT (a short-acting and very powerful psychedelic that can induce mystical experiences.) I was in an experience comprised of various thoughts, feelings, and insights. As the medicine was wearing off and bringing me in for a landing, the mind went quiet, and with total clarity and congruity of oneness I sat up and said:
“In the end, I AM.”
Everything else collapsed. Such profound simplicity of Truth.
I AM — period — exactly as this.
This realization brought a profound recognition of the essence of our shared Being.
Take a moment to feel into the truth of this. Feel existence “existencing” as you right here and now.
I AM is the essence of our Being — the Center of the center of the center — the Source from which all of Creation emanates. This is our essential core Self. It is pure awareness that exists beyond thoughts, feelings, and sensations.
I AM is the only thing we can be absolutely certain about - we exist.
I AM is the awareness before thought according to Nisargadatta.
Imagine the stillness of a clear lake, undisturbed by the ripples on its surface. This deep stillness is our true Self, ever-present and unchanging. When we focus on the surface, the mind gets more turbulent. When we focus on the depth, the mind becomes more peaceful.
Before you dismiss this as merely a psychedelically-induced experience, understand that integrating this truth has allowed it to deepen and flourish in my consciousness. This integration has enriched not only my subsequent journeys but also my daily life, especially as I notice being aware of awareness. Uncoincidentally, this unfolding has led me to the teachings of Ramana Maharshi and Nisargadatta Maharaj, two sages who are the embodiment of this Self-Realization. I’ll say more about this later.
This realization aligns with teachings from various spiritual traditions. In the Yogic tradition, for instance, there are a thousand names of God or Source, each acting as a powerful beacon to attune our consciousness to The One. Interestingly enough, in the book of Exodus, I AM is the name of God as told to Moses. Even Popeye knows when he declares “I Yam What I Yam.“ ☺️
This experience of I AM connects us to a universal experience of unity and peace.
As I AM, we experience the unity of all there is, right here and now. As our essence, there is just the One, in everything, without exception, no fragments —behind it all is The One — the ultimate integration.
And in this, deep peace. In my most profound moments there is a collapse of all into an experience of Sat-Chit-Ananda — a Sanskrit term describing the nature of reality as Truth (Sat), Consciousness (Chit), Bliss (Ananda.) When I experienced this, the clarity and truth of it was so powerful that the only thing I could do was laugh out loud and say “Bingo!”
This deep peace emanates from the center of our Being and is always present. If this is so, why then is inner peace so short-lived or elusive for so many people?
It is because we suffer from a case of mistaken identity. We look for peace and unconditional love in all the wrong places — in the content of experience, outside ourselves. We think we are our thoughts. We are not. We think we are our feelings. We are not. We think we are our personalities. We are not. We think we are our sensations and bodies. We are not. This is all the content of our experience. Identifying with these objects (i.e., 'my thoughts') leads to a sense of self that is limited and constantly changing. This mistaken identity constantly generates distortions in our sense of self, much like stirring up water prevents one from seeing through to the bottom. These distortions get in the way of experiencing the peace that we are behind it all. If we are not any of this content, then what are we?
We are pure infinite awareness. We are that which is aware of the flow of these objects that make up the content of experience. This awareness is boundless and omnipresent. I AM is boundless and omnipresent. This is the space that contains it all. Take a moment and sense this place as you. As you do, notice how this sense has been quietly present at all moments of your life, regardless of your physical age. It is constantly present and available anytime we turn our awareness inwards. It is awareness reflecting upon itself.
Awareness is our primary super power. Awareness is corrective. Recognizing this awareness helps us see the contrast between our true Self and the content of our experiences.
In its natural state, awareness is totally still, at peace, connected with all there is, and quietly blissful — and this Self never changes. It is always available to us. It is the infinite space in which all the content arises and falls away. On the other hand, the content is constantly changing within our experience. So we have our Self, that which never changes, and these objects, which are constantly changing.
However, identifying with these ever-changing objects causes inner turbulence.
Because of identifying with that which we are not — these ever changing objects of thoughts, feelings, perceptions, sensations, even the body — our state of awareness gets attached to, and mistakenly identified or enmeshed with these objects. With this enmeshment, we allow our awareness to be hijacked and taken on a non-joy ride 😩.
This mistaken identity results in a continuous cycle of disturbance and an impulse to need to control outside events.
This enmeshment pulls us away from our Self and turns the focus outwards to these objects. This enmeshment is the result of our mistaken identity. We take ourselves to be what we are not. The effect of this is that as the content changes, it drags our awareness around and the resulting turbulence disturbs our underlying sense of peace. Feeling this unease, we then habitually try to control the content in an attempt to get to a state of relative calm. Ironically though, the act of trying to control these objects results in energizing and generating more of them! So you can see how in this there is no way out. The way out is to move to extricate our consciousness from this false identification.
To break free from this cycle, we need to understand how we create this pattern.
How does this mistaken identity come about and how is it reinforced?
Besides genetics, we inherit thinking and emotional patterns from our parents, the culture, and the environment we grow up in. We inherit this mistaken identity initially from our parents because they didn’t know any better, and they inherited it from their parents, etc. This false identity then gets reinforced each time we unconsciously use I Am and attach anything to it.
In terms of constructing the way we experience consciousness, “I am” is one of the most powerful phrases that can affect our sense of identity. I Am, being a name of The Divine, our true Self, is the ultimate identity phrase, hence carries with it a lot of creation power. When we use it unconsciously, or, in a sense, in vain, we are invoking the power of creation to create an identity connection with what we are not.
Consider this: the average person is purported to have roughly 60,000 thoughts a day. Of these, approximately 70% are self-referential, focusing on personal experiences, feelings, and reflections. Research suggests it might be reasonable to presume that around 10-20% of thoughts start with "I am" or “I’m.” When you add thoughts that use “my” that number goes up to 30-40%!
Regardless of how many actual thoughts we may have per day, 30-40% of them is a lot of unconscious use of thought power. And as we unconsciously use these phrases day in and day out, we do not realize how much enmeshment we create and reinforce. Consciousness then looks outwards for its sense of self which causes it to confuse the contents of experience as itself.
Each time we attach anything to the phase “I am...” we are strengthening this enmeshment. “I am hungry” reinforces identification with the body as opposed to “hunger is present.” This is not merely semantic acrobatics. There is a big difference between “I am angry” and “I feel anger” and “anger is present.” Think of these phrases as going from greater to lesser identification with anger. Also think of them as going from least true to more true as a description.
The other way people unconsciously misuse identification is with the use of “my” or “mine.” Take illness. How often do you hear of people talking about “my arthritis” or “my cancer” or “my depression”? Again, this is not simply semantics. The unhealed ego, being highly self-absorbed, finds it virtually impossible to let go of anything it identifies as part of itself. That dynamic alone can make it difficult for the ego to be open to the idea of true healing of such diseases.
Given this context, you might wonder about the practicality of changing our language and thoughts. You may think “Eric is nuts. Is he suggesting that we never use those phrases or we start to speak radically differently?” No, clearly these phrases are so endemic to our communication that we need to use them. However, by introducing conscious awareness into our use of thoughts and words, we become mindful of how we use 'I am' or 'my' in our speech, allowing us to intentionally use them to extricate ourselves from mistaken identity.We become aware of the effect our words have on our consciousness. Words are reflective of our thinking. Thinking is reflective of perceptions and beliefs. Intentional use of words is a whole different experience than unconscious use.
How can we liberate ourselves from this mistaken identity and inner turbulence?
One understandable question that may arise from this is “If I no longer identify with all these things that I thought were me, what happens to my personality, this thing I call “me?” I’m not interested in being an inert blob!” This doesn't mean your personality or individuality disappears. It actually becomes more free, more alive and becomes more expressive within the vastness of awareness. I can say from direct experience that the more I let go of these false identifications, the lighter, happier I feel and the more life effortlessly and beautifully flows through as me.
To begin this process, start by paying conscious attention to your use of 'I am.' For instance, instead of saying 'I am angry,' say 'anger is present' — at least in your mind. This small shift helps disidentify from the emotion and see it as a passing experience. Similarly, replace 'my' with 'the,' e.g. 'the depression' instead of 'my depression.' These changes help disentangle your sense of self from temporary states and conditions.
Dropping the false identification allows you to see the thoughts and feelings from outside of them instead of being consumed by them. This increases your inner space into which your inherent wisdom and insights can flow. As you practice this and the inner space increases in your experience, you may notice an increase in feelings of inner peace.
(Extra credit: contemplate, what is this “me” that can get consumed by thoughts and feelings?”)
Additionally, centering on a mantra can deepen this practice of awareness. When I am not intentionally using my mind, I let it center on the mantra “I Am” and feel the depth of it. I find that this practice keeps the mind from creating mischief while also attuning it to the deeper truth of what I am.
Before getting into the self-inquiry practice prescribed by Ramana Maharshi, another helpful self-inquiry practice is called neti neti (not this, not that). This practice is based on the logic of: “If I perceive something, it can’t be me.” By continually negating and ruling out what we are not, we can find out what is left, which is what we really are.
Ramana Maharshi
Nisargadatta Maharaj
For an even deeper and more direct practice, consider self-inquiry (👈 good in-depth explanation) as taught by Ramana Maharshi and Nisargadatta Maharaj. I’ve been practicing this and find it simple and powerful. Once you do this enough for it to become a habit, it then operates at increasingly deeper levels on your behalf. It is worth the initial effort! The gist of these teachings is a method of self-inquiry from Ramana Maharshi that goes like this:
Focus on the "I" Thought: Begin by silently asking yourself, "Who am I?" and focus on the feeling of "I" or the sense of self.
Trace the "I" Thought Back to Its Source: As thoughts arise, gently dismiss them by questioning, "To whom do these thoughts arise?" and continue to trace back to the "I" thought, always asking, "Who am I?"
Rest in the Awareness of Being: As you trace the "I" thought back to its source, eventually rest in the pure awareness that remains when the "I" thought dissolves. This awareness is your true Self.
Let Go of Effort
Over time, the distinction between the "I" and other thoughts will dissolve, revealing the pure awareness that is your true nature. Let go of any effort or expectation and rest in this awareness.Persist with Patience
Self-inquiry requires patience and persistence. Continue this practice with dedication, allowing the realization of the Self to unfold naturally. I can hear many minds saying “this is too much effort!” Of course, you can go with the alternative of continuing to live with mistaken identity. How has that worked out so far? 😊
Ramana Maharshi emphasized that the practice of self-inquiry is not about suppressing thoughts but about understanding their true nature. Through consistent practice, one can transcend the ego and realize the true self, which is pure, undivided consciousness. Living life from this place is a whole different ball game. It really is a lot more fun.
Use I AM consciously and with intention.
You can also intentionally attach attributes of your core self to I AM to strengthen your true identity. A short list of such attributes are peace, joy, creation, awareness, compassion, wholeness, and love. So for example “I Am loving awareness,” a mantra Ram Dass used, works very well.
For me personally, this recognition that I AM eventually brought me to a simple and profound realization that all I have to do is be me — as fully and truly as possible — and this is enough. On the surface this may sound trite but with this realization came a very deep relaxation that lasts to this day.
Ultimately, freeing ourselves from false identification is 100% our responsibility and leads to lasting inner peace.
Commit to your own liberation! The more you free yourself from the layers of false identification, the more you automatically find yourself at the center of lasting inner peace. And in this, you are Home. Don’t ever leave this inner Home again. It isn’t necessary. It is the best neighborhood there is.
🕉 Eric